


Lost to the Stars

by Lady_Panthea



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: But the transition is magic so she can get pregnant, Character Study, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage, Motherhood, loss of family, trans!Lup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 19:33:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12966789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Panthea/pseuds/Lady_Panthea
Summary: Lup thinks about all the things The Hunger has stolen from her.





	Lost to the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was reading a fic where Barry and Lup were talking about starting a family together after everything is over but my brain just went: "Okay, yes. But, what if PAIN!" And thus this story happened. Join me in suffering and emotions.
> 
> ********  
> Okay so I've gotten a few comments about how Lup is trans and thus technically can't get pregnant but, in my mind at least, her transition was done with magic rather than surgery so that doesn't apply. Sorry if that offends anyone.

It’s happened three times now and Lup doesn’t think it will ever get easier. After checking on the rest of the crew, paying special attention to Magnus and Merle who had died before the reset, she retreats to her cabin. She doesn’t know if she wants to cry or scream. The world resets and just like that, it’s gone. A small shining ray of hope, erased by the universe resetting to zero.

She’d never told anyone, not even Barry. Gods, she loved the man but this would break him. Lup was used to dealing with the bullshit life threw her way. After all these years, she honestly wasn’t even that surprised anymore. But Barry, her darling, sweetheart of a husband, would be devastated. They were always careful but after almost thirty years of being together, they were bound to slip up a couple of times. She had always dreamed of having a family. A proper home. She never wanted anyone to suffer the same life she and Taako had been forced to live through. The Starblaster, as much as it was home to her and the mismatched family that was its crew, was no place for a child.

***

The first time it had happened, she was both terrified and excited. Her magic had been acting up and she’d finally discovered the cause. She was pregnant. She had almost run straight to Barry, excited to tell him the news. But then she remembered how close they were to the end of the cycle. And what had happened when they’d tried to save people by bringing them onto The Starblaster at the beginning of their adventure. Watching them fade into nothing even as those they’d lost were reassembled on deck. She didn’t know what would happen to the life growing inside her. Would her baby survive? Or would he be erased like the others they’d tried to save so long ago. They’d lost Magnus and Merle a couple of months ago when they had decided to go exploring and simply hadn’t returned. They were struck down by one of the bands of savage hunters that inhabited this plane. They would be back and, if the baby followed her through the cycle, she’d tell the others. Merle may be a shitty cleric, but he was still their healer. Barry deserved to know too. She’d just wait a few more weeks. Just to make sure the baby followed her to the next cycle. 

It didn’t.

***

The second time wasn’t any easier. They were only four months into the cycle when she found out. Arguably enough time for her to carry the baby to term but she didn’t want to. If she had the child, she would lose her almost as soon as she was born. If the infant was kept with her on The Starblaster, she would disappear as soon as the world reset, leaving Lup to clutch at the empty air where her daughter had once been. If she left the child on the surface of the plane, she would lose her forever as soon as they left for the next cycle. And if they failed to save the planet… Lup didn’t even want to consider it. The thought of The Hunger devouring her child was something she couldn’t face. But still, Lup didn’t know what to do. The thought of aborting the baby, a being made by the love between her and Barry, was horrible. She was almost happy when, three weeks later, she was gunned down by an enemy soldier. The choice was out of her hands.

“See you next year,” she said to Barry with a soft smile. She felt him press a tearful kiss to her lips.

“See you soon,” he whispered and everything faded to black.

***

This was the third time. The third time she had lost a child to the horror that stalked them. Sometimes, in moments of weakness, she allowed herself to dream. To imagine two small half-elf children running around the ship. Filling it with life,laughter, and love as they careened from plane to plane. Her son would have been twelve this year. He would have glasses but would look just like her. The spitting image of Taako when he was younger apart from the mass of curly brown hair that he’d inherited from Barry. Her daughter would be five. A small, fair skinned girl, so pale compared to her mother, with a round face and button nose. Her long blond hair would always be tied in some intricate style or another that she manipulated the crew into doing for her. Taako would love her beyond reason and Magnus would protect her at all costs. She would be constantly showered with gifts. Both of them would. They would be the most spoilt children in the universe. With so many Aunts and Uncles to care for them, they would want for nothing. Not love, not shelter, not _food_. Even if something were to ever happen to Lup and Barry, their children would be safe. They would have a home. A proper one.

But those were just dreams. Her son and daughter were gone and now her third child, another little girl, was lost too.

Maybe one day, if- no _when_ , they beat The Hunger, Lup would be able to have the family she wanted and a house filled with laughter. Where the whole crew felt safe and would drop by unannounced and just walk in, because family didn’t knock. A yard filled with children’s toys left scattered when their attention was called to something else. A kitchen built for her and Taako to cook in, to show off their skills and feed their family. A home. Her home.

But for now, that dream was far away. Hidden by the seemingly endless stretch of resets and new planes. Her children, and the small chance at life that they’d had, were gone. Lost to the world between the planes. Lost to the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> Rant at me in the comments or on [tumblr](https://mimimojo.tumblr.com) about how I hurt you. I'm sorry but not really. Everyone must share my pain.
> 
> Also, thank you to the wonderful [thehushmonalisa](http://thehushmonalisa.tumblr.com) for editing this and making it more coherent. I don't know where I'd be without you <3


End file.
